I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
listen closely
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My beach vacation Google searches
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses