What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*