This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
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*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.