Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
hi why am I like this
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon