Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
courtroom exchange of the day
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird