I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Seas the day!!!!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
lmao
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.