I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
i wish i could marry a nap
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.