Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
True
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*