This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
OMG 🤣🤣
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here