I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
they really do be looking like this
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family