Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.