My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.