John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.