Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
classic mixup
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’