I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
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Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.