Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?