I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸