Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Cool shirt 🙂
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.