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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.