wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
#JohnTravolta
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice