Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
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Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My life in a nutshell
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.