Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?