British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
bout dat hot dog summer
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
*seductively corrects your posture*
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken