They should invent clothes that get fat with you
You Might Also Like
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
God making man in his image was the original selfie
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.