This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones