No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose