Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Encore…
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
What about second breakfast?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron