Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
You Might Also Like
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.