9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
What if the weather talks about us?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for