When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Hmmmmm
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in