My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
#gardening
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one