Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
You Might Also Like
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad