Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
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I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back