If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.