first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Solving a traffic jam
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Hit me in the face with a bird
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.