When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
S M O L
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.