I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.