Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
honestly, i need both:
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
be careful
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
it must be school picture day
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner