I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Does your wife know you’re single?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.