A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me