there’s probably a fee though
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“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer