My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before