People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
spot the difference
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know