Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers