[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
You Might Also Like
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”