My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
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Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
How to woo a woman
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.