Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama