Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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