I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
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[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.