*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.